A few weeks back I asked H if he would like to attend the ASAN Vancouver Disability Day of Mourning Vigil with me on March 1st, at the Woodlands Memorial Gardens in New Westminster, BC.

He asked what the vigil was for – and then as I explained that it was to honour the memory of people with disabilities that had been killed by their families and caregivers – his intake of breath was audible…

There was a pause…

When he caught back enough air to speak again, he asked in disbelief, “How could people do that… to… their… own… kids… and… family? Family should be SAFE!!”

I responded, hoping like I do at times, that the right words would somehow drop from the sky, “You are right, family should be safe. But you need to understand that some people have families that are not safe, and some people think that the lives of disabled people are not worth living. It is also important to know that this is not okay, and so we are working to change the way people think about disability and disabled people. This is a hard thing to think about and to know about. I am inviting you to come, but you do not have to  – it is up to you.”

H took another long breath in, and then said with finality, “I want to go…”

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking back to when H visited The Woodlands Memorial Gardens, in the spring of 2012 with my mother and me.

Woodlands, constructed in 1878 and finally closed in 1996, was an institution, an ‘asylum for those with developmental disabilities and the mentally ill’ and then later a residential school. It was a place of incarceration, exclusion, dehumanization, and the existence of this institution and the attitudes that went with it, denied those with developmental disabilities the right to be valued for who they were and to included in their families and communities.

I wrote about that then (Ghosts of the Asylum in Spring: A look back at exclusion and abuse). It was just before H attended his first conference with me… and I see it still as a conversation of origin for his advocacy, activism, and sense of social justice:

“This past Sunday, my Mom, H, and I walked through the memorial gardens there. We read the signs – telling about the injustices and atrocities that occurred. A touch of spring accompanied us briefly on our deeply moving trek. The sun came out and stole away a bit of the chill, and the early buds promised something more of the spring yet to come. Today was just a glimpse.

I glimpsed another thing emerging today as well… H’s understanding of injustice.

As we read the memorial plaques – H became increasingly interested and was full of questions.

Who lived here? Who? When? Did they put people with autism here??

Yes, honey – they did…

That’s Horrible!”

Yes…

You mean I might have been in a place like that?!?

Well – families were often told that they shouldn’t raise their children. Lots of people – and even doctors would say that.

They were wrong!!

Mom – I feel sad for those people…

~

I know H will be surrounded by a community of people who care about him and who have the skills to help him process and keep him safe.  I would rather plan to share this with him in a well-thought-out way than have him stumble across such horrific information without the scaffolding of love and support.

And then, as we were on our way H said, “Today we are going to pay our respect to people who were killed by their so-called loved ones…”

I reflect… that he is taking this in with understanding…

And I also reflect that is it a terrible thing and I hate it that I have to teach this young man about this…

Gently… gently… I hope it is enough…
I ease my son into the loss of innocence…
Gently… gently…
Making room for love and pride to take the place of hate…

Black and white photo of Emma and Alanna reading aloud the names of disabled people who have been murdered. Norm and Harrison are listening. The arm of another mourner is visible in the foreground, holding a stim toy.

Image: Black and white photo of the reflecting pool surrounded by a lattice-work of white carnations. People who participated in the Day of Mourning are gathered around and talking after the vigil.

Image: Black and White photo of H looking up at and art installation represent cement walls with the barred windows of Woodlands Institution. This is has been recreated so that it is the same height as the windows would have been for the residents. There are candles and flowers arranged on the window’s ledge, and a tree can be seen through the bars.

Image: Black and white photo of H (a white male teen with spiked hair, a retro woolen tweed trench coat, a Doctor Who scarf and a messenger bag) looking at the 10 page list of disabled people who killed by their families or caregivers.

Information and Resources:

The Disability Day of Mourning website provides detailed information about disabled people murdered by their families. http://disabilitydayofmournin.apps-1and1.com/index

Anti-Filicide Toolkit. Available from Autistic Self Advocacy Network. http://autisticadvocacy.org/home/projects/disability-community-day-of-mourning/anti-filicide/

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30 Days of Autism is a project designed to fight stigma, promote civil rights, and increase understanding and acceptance for those who process and experience the world differently.