Thirty Days of Autism

I have been reflecting on privilege… and perhaps entertaining the loss of it as we work to find our place and way to support others in the autism community.

I have been raised with privilege (not riches and extravagance – see the link at the end of this post to learn more about this). Although I am in my late-forties and have occasionally felt the sting and squeeze of sexism, or the judgment of others in dealing with low mood and depression, I have not suffered abuse, nor have I been silenced because of my neurology, or my ethnic background, or…

That sense of privilege has a shadow… and the shadow is the assumption that I have the right to speak up – to say my piece – to be heard… and I am coming to realize that this attitude may actually silence or dilute or diminish the message of others.

I am trying to be aware of this so that I do not assume the same privilege when I am interacting with Autistic adults. If I am working to empower the voices of others – I may need to be willing to make my own subordinate. If I am sensitive to this…  I may feel silenced… I may need to silence myself.

This feels uncomfortable at times… I am learning to make peace with this discomfort. It may feel like I am being silenced by those I am trying to support… and it may even feel like there is an irony to this.

But this is not about me.

I may feel misunderstood at times… I need to carry on regardless.

Sometimes I may want to jump in to try to repair a misunderstanding – or to explain… but the difficulty is that doing so can seem dishonouring to others.

So I am learning about my own silence.

I am learning to embrace it… and to understand that my discomfort is deepening my understanding of the experience of others… and I also acknowledge that this is merely a glimpse of their experience, and that I cannot fully understand.

And within all of this I know that this is still not about me.

There is a deep questioning about my assumptions, and in my quiet I see there also exists an opportunity to reframe my experiences and question what I have held to be truth as a subjective reality. I am open to examining this.

I am shifting and changing, and my response to being misunderstood is now sometimes a quiet one. To rail against the perception of others can seem like silencing their perspective… the very perspectives that I want to honour.

If I want to make things different… I need to be willing to take the blast. Sometimes it may be because of something I did or said, and inversely, sometimes it might be because of something I didn’t say, and my silence was interpreted as complicit. Sometimes it has been because I wanted to support others and extended support in two opposing directions.  There is no easy path that I can see… there is no way to get it all right – every time.

I am coming to accept that I will not get it all right. I am learning that as passionate as I may be about supporting others and working to create a world that is more supportive of diversity… there will certainly be mis-steps and some of those will most certainly be mine.

And I am learning that there is a yin and yang to voice and privilege. I may experience less power to my voice… I may perceive less privilege in an interaction… fewer rights to have my perspective understood… but the space left with my silence – may be the space needed to allow for the action and empowerment of others.

And I am working to be open to that…

Related Posts:

And Then You Cry ‘Victim
Easy Silence: I am still learning to communicate
Autistic Advocacy, Jokes and Silencing (Please read this important post by Brenda Rothman at Mama be Good to learn more about Privilege)

Image of a  black cat sitting in the sun on the roof edge of on an old white brick building streaked with rust stains, with intense blue sky above. Text reads: “I am learning that there is a yin and yang to voice and privilege. Leah Kelley – 30 Days of Autism. I may experience less power to my voice… I may perceive less privilege in an interaction… fewer rights to have my perspective understood… but the space left with my silence – may be the space needed to allow for the action and empowerment of others. And I am working to be open to that…”