I have had a hard time writing lately. It seems that I have been focused on my work and other things, some of which are of critical importance – and some – uh – ya – not so much!!

The point though is that I am used to the words just dripping from my fingers – and that hasn’t really been happening… so tonight I am just going to write for me and work to let go of the audience perspective that I think might sometimes be a bit of an inhibiting factor.

I am going to write – with no huge plan or message in mind… and if you will bear with me and follow along… we can together see what might emmerge.

I can hear H still rattling around in his room. It sounds like there is a bowling tournament going on in there! And then it dawns on me: Ack… we forgot the melatonin!! It turns out he was searching for a small gumball machine prize capsule that he was using for ammo in the air-powered-launcher he created with acrylic pipe and an old air-pump. I assured him we will look for it tomorrow – and it sounds like he is settling. Now I only hear the almost silent click of my keyboard and the rhythmic ticking of the kitchen clock.

Ahhh… much better.

It is interesting how connected we are – my son and me. When I am stressed or at loose ends, I transfer some of this to my child. This pathway goes both ways… and then interconnects us all. Families are systems, and it is critical to keep this in mind. We are an intricate web of relationships, moods, experiences, perspectives, ideas, and dreams.

H calls me back.

Apparently his eye is itchy. I feel impatient… but I suck it back and go to see how I can assist. A quick rinse in the bathroom – just in case there is some sort of allergen, a hug, and we are back in business. I am sweet and supportive – though I feel it not. This is one of those fake-it-till-you-make-it moments, and I know that if my emotions leak out all over the place H’s anxiety will rise and he will take longer to settle.

“Mom, What should I dream about?” comes what I am hoping is one final holler from H’s room.

“How about that little frog we found in the garden yesterday?”

“For the whole night?” H responds incredulously. “Nope, I think I’d better dream about the Ninja Turtles… G’nite Mom…”

“Mom…?”

“Uh huh?”

“I love you!”

“I love you too!”

Perhaps I am getting better at understanding that sometimes the pace chooses me…   (Autism: Day 4,711)

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30 Days of Autism is a project designed to fight stigma, promote civil rights, and increase understanding and acceptance for those who process and experience the world differently.

©Leah Kelley, Thirty Days of Autism (2011)