Let’s sit under the table a while and see how things look from there…
I used to do that as a kid… I loved to lie under things and see how the world looked from different angles…
I do it metaphorically now… I love to consider perspectives.
Some of the earliest thoughts I remember having were about how it could be that I could have a sense of me-ness, and how it was that this was contained in my own head. I remember trying to understand that my thinking and me-ness was different from others. I didn’t get how I got to be me – it baffled me how my thinking was matched up to something physical, and how it was that something I couldn’t see (thought) could be contained. I think this must have been my five-year-old level of pondering my existence. I was considering my sense of self... Kindergarten existentialism.
When I was much younger than this… I was fascinated with my Tommy Tippy cup. There was a picture on it of a bear holding a cup… and on the cup was a bear holding a cup… and on the cup was a picture of that bear holding a cup. I remember thinking that if I could just see far enough in, I would see the world’s tiniest bear and cup, or that it maybe would go on forever: a Tommy Tippy Bear into eternity… I was captured… mesmerized.
Then I would rewind it and follow the cup and bear back to the actual item… and then my thinking pushed it a bit further: I am holding the cup. Am I a bear? Am I pictured on a cup that someone else (much bigger) is holding? It was a koan-like experience. I would be lost in thought…
I still get lost in thought…
I catch myself noticing how I can actually see the molecules of water vapour in the steam from my coffee if the light catches it just right. I often wander about by the river looking at the world through my camera lens, contemplating river currents, looking for rocks, or just enjoying the time I have to myself.
My thoughts are often now stuck fast to the paper in the form of writing… thoughts to perhaps revisit – or to share – but they still weave together surprising things and wind themselves forward and back. I find myself considering things from different angles still, and my thinking shifts and changes as I encounter new ways of seeing and different perspectives.
I am learning so much from my experiences and from interacting with others… and pondering things from different angles.
I am fortunate to be able to reflect back upon my own development and what I am able to recall of my thinking process and my sense of the emergence of self. This may have a certain relevance as I consider H’s cognitive process and our efforts to support his development. When I think back at how I struggled with the idea that I was alone in my head… and that my thoughts were solely mine, I can’t help but wonder about H’s journey and his understanding of the perspectives and experiences of others. And as this thinking winds back again upon itself, I must also consider that perhaps, that young-child-version of me was on to something; perhaps I should struggle more with this still.
We are all connected…
Our thoughts and actions impact others…
What we think… and say… and do… matters greatly
So don’t judge me (or others) harshly…
I am a work in progress…
And I am hopeful that I will now and forever be on the cusp of change…
So c’mon, let’s sit under the table a while and see how things look from there…
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30 Days of Autism is a project designed to fight stigma, promote civil rights, and increase understanding and acceptance for those who process and experience the world differently.
© Leah Kelley, Thirty Days of Autism, (2012)
Thirty Days of Autism 